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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2009|07:21 pm]

As the curtain drops on the fifth year of Haircaster, I'd just like to say thanks to everyone who participated. While Don Johnson is still "looking for a heartbeat," I've found the ticker which drives this great sport. It's the voters - their varying locales, forthright follicular assessments and hilarious comments.

Thank you to all for another great year.

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(no subject) [Apr. 6th, 2009|08:14 pm]

Haircaster Jimmy Johnson

What do true champions do? They take a 4-1 deficit and grab it by the horns. They rattle off eight straight votes to become what they've dreamed of becoming their entire life. They also part their hair with unmatched precision. So went the championship script authored by Jimmy Johnson, in which America's Coach rallied from an early deficit to defeat Mel Kiper's seemingly unstoppable tidal wave of hair 9-5.

There were many memorable moments from this year's final – Lou's questioning of Mel's human origins, the Gilded Gelding's protest vote for Gary McCord, Drew's yes, no, maybe so vote for Johnson, Ro's bacon bits ballot for Kiper – but none may have been more significant than Dean's Monday-morning rally cry for Johnson. Digging deep into the psyche of his Lookout Jr. contemporary, Dean harnessed the hatred of a despondent and disillusioned Wagon to bring a crucial tide-turning tally to Johnson's column. From that point forward, Kiper would only once taste the fruits of voter support.

Just who is our new Haircaster? He's the first-ever coach to win football titles on both the collegiate and professional levels (1987 with the University of Miami Hurricanes,1992 and 93 with the Dallas Cowboys). He was a member of Arkansas' 1964 National Championship team. And who could forget 1966? It was the year he served as assistant coach at Picayune High School in Picayune, Mississippi (an institution near and dear to the family of the Haircaster commish).

James William Johnson, we now crown thee Haircaster.

Comment of the Match: How can anyone really WANT to look at Mel Kiper any longer than they have to? Strange hair, shadowy eyes, pock-mark surrounded smirk do not a hair caster make. And Charles, Kiper's making the face the waitresses at The Beacon give you when you order a sweet tea. You can't burn that place down, but you can vote that hair down.
-- Dean

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(no subject) [Apr. 4th, 2009|08:39 pm]
Score Update: Johnson - 9, Kiper - 5
**Voting ends Monday, 10 pm, CST**

[ Haircaster Bowl V ]

(4) Jimmy Johnson

(15) Mel Kiper

After weeks of intense combing competition, two combatants have emerged from perhaps the strongest field of coiffures ever. Jimmy Johnson, the man with the silver part, versus Mel Kiper, the keeper of the peak. Two vastly different styles, with only one possible champion. And so, for the next 48 hours, you, the voter, will pen the latest pages of follicular history, crowning one of these men The Haircaster.

For the title, who has better hair?

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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2009|06:07 pm]

After three rounds and 14 total matches, we've reached the final battle of Haircaster V: Jimmy Johnson vs. Mel Kiper. The combing will commence tomorrow night at 10 p.m., CST, and last 48 hours. On Monday night, at the stroke of 10, we will crown a new Haircaster.

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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2009|06:04 pm]

Final Four - Match 2 Recap

Gumbel - 5

Kiper - 7

Another year, another disappointing exit for Greg Gumbel. The perennial bridesmaid advanced to the Haircaster Final Four, only to be engulfed by the tsunami of hair known as Mel Kiper. The buzzsaw from Baltimore advances to Haircaster Bowl V, where he'll face the precise part and pompadour of Jimmy Johnson.

Comment of the Match: And one day - maybe not this year and maybe not the next - but one bright day, the time will come when a voice of the streets will step up to a microphone and proudly say:

My haircaster is black, rolls golden charms,
Twenty-two inch rims like Hulk Hogan's arms.
-- John Kimble
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2009|06:12 pm]

Final Four - Match 2

(6) Greg Gumbel

(15) Mel Kiper

It's not often that any seeded tournament produces a match of 6 vs. 15. Such are the wonders of our magical sport. Greg Gumbel and Mel Kiper will pit their formidable mops of hair against one another. Before you black out from excitement, take a deep breath, collect yourself and cast your lot in this epic battle.

They've logged the miles to get here, but who has better hair?

NEXT MATCH: Jimmy Johnson (4) vs. Gumbel/Kiper
* Rules | Printable Bracket
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2009|06:05 pm]

Final Four - Match 1 Recap

Johnson - 7

Lampley - 6

In perhaps the fiercest battle thus far, Jimmy Johnson edges out Jim Lampley. Voters grappled with the recurring theme of chaos vs. order - the perfect part of Johnson and the majestic waves of Lampley. Tis a day for precision and form, as "order" emerges the victor.

Quote of the Match: I've got to go with Jimmy Johnson here, and I'll tell you why. First, he's smiling at me. I like that. Second, he has a detailed pattern on his coat. You know what that says to me, subconsciously? Luxury. Jimmy Johnson is America's haircaster, and he knows what America wants: money. Detailed patterns.

And finally, the hair itself. Perfect highlights up the front, a gorgeous part, and a touch of the pompadour for the man with the big head.
-- Billings
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(no subject) [Apr. 1st, 2009|06:04 pm]

Final Four - Match 1

(4) Jimmy Johnson

(8) Jim Lampley

And so, the Haircaster Final Four begins. Our first match is one for all the Jims and Jimmys out there, not to mention the Jameses who wish they had made the leap in title informality. But enough about names, we're here for the manes.

At two Jameses we stare. Who has better hair?

NEXT MATCH: Greg Gumbel (6) vs. Mel Kiper (15)
* Rules | Printable Bracket
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(no subject) [Apr. 1st, 2009|01:13 am]

Four enter...one survives
6:00 pm, CST

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(no subject) [Mar. 31st, 2009|06:11 pm]

Quarterfinals - Match 4 Recap

Costas - 6

Gumbel - 8

Greg Gumbel holds off a furious late charge by Bob Costas to advance. This throwback match seemed to bring a boatload of emotions out of one John Kimble. One can only imagine what might occur if Gumbel were to win it all.

The Haircaster Final Four is set. Lampley, Johnson, Kiper, Gumbel. After 12 consecutive days of hair-raising matches, we'll take a day off to let everyone recharge their coif-critiquing batteries. The combing will recommence tomorrow afternoon at 6 p.m.

Comment of the Match: It's hard for me to avoid getting emotional looking at that picture of Greg Gumbel and thinking about the journey that he's taken in this competition through the years: the barriers that he's trying to break down, the inevitable hills and valleys, but most of all the unquenchable competitiveness that shines through each and every year. It's inspirational.

I'm reminded of the lyrics to one of my top 50 favorite hair metal ballads of all time:

When I see you smile,
I can face the world.
You know I can do anything.
When I see you smile,
I see a ray of light,
I see it shining right through the rain.
-- John Kimble
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2009|06:06 pm]

Quarterfinals – Match 4

(3) Bob Costas

(6) Greg Gumbel

It was two years ago that Bob Costas defeated Greg Gumbel for the Haircaster III crown. Today these two familiar foes meet again, not for a championship, but for the right to survive and advance.

Their epic history aside, who has better hair?

NEXT MATCH: Jimmy Johnson (4) vs. Jim Lampley (8)
* Rules | Printable Bracket
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2009|06:05 pm]

Quarterfinals - Match 3 Recap

Cherry - 5

Kiper - 10

Mel Kiper's hair did what flashy suits and a corsage could not. The NFL Draft guru (deemed a "young Bea Arthur" by Alan Caudel) withstands an early charge from Cherry to advance to the Haircaster Final Four.

Comment of the Match: ...Kiper is a tracksuit and a gold chain away from running a guido coke den in Jersey.
-- Lou
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2009|06:00 pm]

Quarterfinals – Match 3

(7) Don Cherry

(15) Mel Kiper

Sometimes words aren't needed to explain the phenomenon that is Haircaster. The following match says it all. Don Cherry brings his icy stare and snow-white hair against the Cinderella of the first round, Mel Kiper. If style were an antihistamine, this match would rid the world of nasal congestion.

When the thick fog of hype lifts, who has better hair?

NEXT MATCH: Bob Costas (3) vs. Greg Gumbel (6)
* Rules | Printable Bracket
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2009|05:56 pm]

Quarterfinals - Match 2 Recap

Johnson - 10

Uecker - 1

The blowouts continue, as Jimmy Johnson rumbles into the Haircaster Final Four. The engine that was Uecker's deacon cut stalled out at a most inopportune time, leaving the former champ stranded on the road to glory. On a side note, I never thought I'd see Dean utter the words "America's Team." Perhaps Jimmy's mane holds powers of persuasion beyond mankind's understanding.

Comment of the Match: Uecker resembles the lead caller at the Bingo Nite held by the Greater Macon Knights of Columbus.
-- Brian (Gilded Gelding)
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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2009|06:01 pm]

Quarterfinals – Match 2

(4) Jimmy Johnson

(5) Bob Uecker

With Peter Gammons' exit, a new challenger must assume the throne. Will the hair apparent emerge from our next match? Jimmy Johnson, fresh off a sound thrashing of Frank Deford, faces Bob Uecker, the experienced former champion and preferred boss to British butlers everywhere.

Jimmy cracks corn and Bob doesn't care, but who has better hair?

NEXT MATCH: Don Cherry (7) vs. Mel Kiper (15)
* Rules | Printable Bracket
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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2009|05:57 pm]

Quarterfinals - Match 1 Recap

Gammons - 2

Lampley - 11

The higher they climb, the harder they fall. Peter Gammons' quest for back-to-back Haircaster glory hits a brick wall in the form of Jim Lampley's wavey locks. The pride of HBO advances to his first-ever semifinals, where he'll face the winner of Jimmy Johnson/Bob Uecker.

Comment of the Match: Fools. Bureaucratic fools. You have been confused into thinking that styling is substance. It is not. The naturalness of Gammons's hair is something wonderful to behold. You have all given in to baser instincts, and for this error in judgment you shall all someday be called to task.
-- Drew Compton
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(no subject) [Mar. 27th, 2009|06:05 pm]

Quarterfinals – Match 1

(1) Peter Gammons

(8) Jim Lampley

Welcome to the quarterfinals, where the contender coifs are separated from the pretender perms. The stakes are cranked up a notch, as Peter Gammons continues his quest for a repeat title against Jim Lampley. Will the recent trend of one-sided outcomes continue, or are we in for a barn burner?

Two manes enter. Only one will advance. Who has better hair?

NEXT MATCH: Jimmy Johnson (4) vs. Bob Uecker (5)
* Rules | Printable Bracket
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