||[Apr. 6th, 2009|08:14 pm]
Haircaster Jimmy Johnson
What do true champions do? They take a 4-1 deficit and grab it by the horns. They rattle off eight straight votes to become what they've dreamed of becoming their entire life. They also part their hair with unmatched precision. So went the championship script authored by Jimmy Johnson, in which America's Coach rallied from an early deficit to defeat Mel Kiper's seemingly unstoppable tidal wave of hair 9-5.
There were many memorable moments from this year's final – Lou's questioning of Mel's human origins, the Gilded Gelding's protest vote for Gary McCord, Drew's yes, no, maybe so vote for Johnson, Ro's bacon bits ballot for Kiper – but none may have been more significant than Dean's Monday-morning rally cry for Johnson. Digging deep into the psyche of his Lookout Jr. contemporary, Dean harnessed the hatred of a despondent and disillusioned Wagon to bring a crucial tide-turning tally to Johnson's column. From that point forward, Kiper would only once taste the fruits of voter support.
Just who is our new Haircaster? He's the first-ever coach to win football titles on both the collegiate and professional levels (1987 with the University of Miami Hurricanes,1992 and 93 with the Dallas Cowboys). He was a member of Arkansas' 1964 National Championship team. And who could forget 1966? It was the year he served as assistant coach at Picayune High School in Picayune, Mississippi (an institution near and dear to the family of the Haircaster commish).
James William Johnson, we now crown thee Haircaster.
Comment of the Match: How can anyone really WANT to look at Mel Kiper any longer than they have to? Strange hair, shadowy eyes, pock-mark surrounded smirk do not a hair caster make. And Charles, Kiper's making the face the waitresses at The Beacon give you when you order a sweet tea. You can't burn that place down, but you can vote that hair down.